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Orgasm Ambiguity

June 5, 2019






Orgasm is a very obvious event for most people with penises. At the moment of orgasm, stuff shoots out of their body. Penis-owners don’t have to wonder if that was an orgasm or not, or where it originated.  It just IS, indubitably, as conspicuous as a neon sign over the bed: “You came!” 


Clits are more circumspect, their climaxes more assorted. Ask women to describe their orgasm and the answers are a menu of sensation, as varied as ice cream flavors. "Waves of warmth" "a pleasure bomb" "an explosion of intensity" "it feels like nothing matters anymore" "floating above myself" "fireworks going off inside me" "ticklish undulations" Witness a handful of women having orgasms and you’ll wonder how they can all be called the same thing. Some women get very still, with no more than a ripple of a shudder through their body to inform an onlooker that something happened.  Some women make no noise, some moan, some whimper, some scream. Some thrash about, some barely move, some practically convulse. It may last a moment, or minutes. Some women immediately need to have all stimulation stop… some woman roll right into the next wave of feeling and another climax.


The researchers list the symptoms: elevated heart rate, a series of rhythmic contractions in the vagina, the uterus and the pelvic floor muscles. But they also say that not all women show all these signs all the time, and even in one individual it can differ from one to the next.  Women say their individual orgasms can be very different - some big, some small, some they aren’t even sure if it was one or not. 


And so one really has to wonder how there can be such an emphasis on this one monolithic thing An Orgasm as if it is undeniably there or not there, like a pregnancy.  Where one can’t be sort of pregnant, one can certainly have a “sort of” orgasm.


But you’d never know that from the way people talk about it. "Oh, you'd know if you had one," they say, with a hint of smugness.


It’s enough to make some women doubt that they have had one, even if they have. It's circular reasoning - you'd know if you had one, therefore, if you aren't sure, you haven't.  I mean to dismantle this harmful piece of folk wisdom.  It’s just not true that if you doubt whether you are having an orgasm, then you must not be. 


There are women who think they aren’t orgasming, and they are. There are women who aren’t sure that the sexual response they are having qualifies as orgasmic, and assume they, therefore, aren’t orgasming, because they’ve been told so many time - “oh, you’ll know!” There are women that worry so much about whether they are going to finally, this time, have an orgasm, that they don’t notice the orgasm they have.  There are women who so judge and doubt and hold their orgasms up to inspection and find them wanting, that they never really get to stand up proudly and clearly to shout out, “I came!”  Instead they kind of melt into the pillows and say, “hey, I kind of came, I think.”  I did that to my climaxes for a lot of years, until I finally began to see my see my climax, acknowledge it, love it for what it was and accept it, and coax it out of the corner, nourish it with awareness and help it grow into a satisfyingly robust orgasmic response. 


Dispelling the myth that orgasms have to be accompanied by screams or firework can help a lot of women get more pleasure and satisfaction from the sex, and the sexual response, that they have.


How do you do that? One tactic is to get some control of the monkey mind that is judging and evaluating your experience and basically ruining it for you. Really notice what is happening in your body and enjoy the experience for what it is, until you've had enough. Sure, it's easy to say "just stop thinking about it." Don't think of that elephant.  You might need a trick. Try distracting your thoughts with a mantra: saying a single word silently to yourself, like "good" for instance, over and over can focus your experience on the moment. Say "good," feel how good it feels, repeat.  It's meditation basically.  











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